Your life is a big waste of time
Containing no reason nor rhyme
So please kill yourself
For all of our health
Or I’ll cook you into a slime
Hey man, fuck you, too
I have six in line to screw
That’s more than you do
I flew with Delta a while ago, and the flight ended up oversold. I’ve heard that this isn’t the first time they had this problem, either, so I’ve sent them a 2-step method to prevent it from happening again:
1. Count the available seats in the plane.
2. Only sell that many tickets.
When students enter the Real World™, they will probably experience hail.
This means teachers should whip chunks of ice at their students. To prepare them.
The problem: A train is going down some tracks, as trains do. I am standing many yards away. I can see the train, but I cannot get any nearer to it. The track the train is on will soon have it run over and kill five people, because they are tied to the tracks. But! I have a lever that will make the train go down a different track. However, that track has one person tied to it. What am I, a moral agent, to do?
The solution: I close my eyes and rapidly pull the lever back and forth. This takes my agency out of the question and leaves it to God. Since God is perfectly good, they will make the morally best decision.
The follow-up: My friend who knows a bit more about track-based transportation than I do pointed out to me that this answer leads to multi-track drifting. The front of the train will go down one set of tracks. The rear will go down another. Thus, this solution kills all six people.
If the tracks are too far apart, then the train will derail. Then the surrounding environment will determine what happens. If the tracks are in a secluded area, then nothing of further note will happen. If there are things on the train’s new, freer path, then the train will hit them.
Regardless, the train is unlikely to be usable again, thereby solving the problem once and for all.
Sometimes interactions with large organizations go wrong. On occasion they will communicate in a way that resolves problems. Sometimes (like with UPS) they dig their heels into the ground and accuse everyone else of wrongdoing, including parties not involved. And in this week’s case, the USPS has been unresponsive, both locally and nonlocally.
I’m not sure if anyone reads these, but I’ve decided to just have fun with the ones that are irredeemably useless. Let the fun begin:
I will admit, I did laugh when I saw this. The horoscope sharebait is pretty obvious since the zodiac does include everyone. The obviousness of this one strikes right into the realm of the absurd.